As i have written, i had a very intense, extensive period of on line training. i thought it may be of interest to post some of them. i will try my best to do it in chronological order of occurrences.  Due to this being a very sensitive topic in my real life, i will just be adding on to this one with entries from time to time. i can not figure out how to add on to this page with a separate entry.

A pivotal moment for me was when i finally was able to give myself completely. i truly believe i entered a form of subspace, and it was all derived from a punishment. i was unavailable, unable to complete a task, and Sir was leaving on holiday where he would not have access to the internet. My days were filled with loneliness and desperation to serve. It was at this point, i knew i had forever found my true self and desperately wanted to further my lifestyle. Feeling lost and confused, and grateful all at the same time i wrote this letter. i also think it was here that Sir let me do some self exploration and truly never came back for me. He gave me my wings i have longed for and the necessary soul searching a hotlilmess needs in order to grow and fly. For that i am forever grateful.


Hello Sir. This has been a very challenging time for me Sir and I am sorting through all sorts of new emotions. My desire to please has changed to a desire to submit my all for you Sir. The experience you gave me before you left Sir was amazing, invigorating, heart wrenching, and the release I have craved for so long Sir. The aftermath,  leaving me a bit unsteady.

I was on cloud 9 Friday, pleased beyond pleased, satiated. I was even told my presence has become intoxicating, the way I carry myself these days amazing. Then I went home. I am feeling so lost without a task Sir, so out of sorts without direction. I just want to kneel and wait, kneel and wait, and I know that is ridiculous. All of my being wants to serve, and I want to do so without direction Sir. I am frustrated that I am finding it so difficult. Friday night was full of nightmares, a most unpleasant sleep. Saturday was

Was spent taking pictures of my desires to be used by you. I had anticipated writing one big letter upon your arrival, however so elated you requested work from me I am sending it now. Saturday I was struggling quite a bit, nightmares replaying in my head, needing direction. Sunday, the words good girl came across my computer. In the midst of panic for a hurricane we are supposed to be getting I was filled once again with the undeniable urge to suck your cock take it deep and make you proud. It was that little bit of pushing I needed. Since then I have been refocused and working hard at coming up with things that will make you proud. Just that need to be used , directed, filled, and pushed. Here it is Monday, my heart is racing and my cunt is dripping Sir. I am eager to make a video that will prove my use to you. The direction and focus you command is breathtaking.  Thank you.

After a longer on line  session and multiple attempts at various masturbating techniques, orgasm control and the deep throating of a dildo,which at the time was an entirely new experience in itself, and completely humiliating, i was finally able to earn a “well done toy”…this spoke volumes through my soul. Here is what i wrote in response.

#2…“Well Done toy”……

Words that ignite a fire deep inside my soul. Words I strive for. Words I crave. Words I earn. Words not to be taken for granted.

Control by another allows my inner freedom to escape, that otherwise is bound by thoughts that taint my true desires, my passion. A release that comes from within, a release that is felt in every nerve ending, every finger, every toe.  A release that leaves me wanting more each and every time. A hunger, an ache, a true need to please and satisfy him-Sir, thank you.

This particular entry is in regards to a task i had been given. i was having a girls night out and my assignment was to purchase a toy with my girlfriends by my side. Epic failure to say the least. Here is my journal of the event…

 #1….Journal Entry—girls night out

I have always been an open minded person, and hoped I chose open minded friends. Exploring sexuality, I approached the topic with 2 other women mid 30’s, hormonal, wanting more, one bored to death in her marriage. So the talk begins. Likes and dislikes in the bedroom, wants, needs, cravings. Cravings?  That was the trigger word.

 craving [ˈkreɪvɪŋ] an intense desire or longing

Does that sound evil, sick, or wrong in any shape form or fashion? Does that sound like a word that describes someone is out of control? Should one be chastised for craving something? The topic took a turn, the turn being a focus on my craving. Although, my craving may not be chocolate, it makes me happy ,gives me confidence, makes me more beautiful every day I achieve pleasing Sir, and quite honestly it gives me a purpose that I have looked for for many years. My craving is deeper than sex, beyond any orgasm I have ever had. My craving is about obedience, accountability, respect, and the desire to please another in order to recieve pleasure. Gee, what would this world be like if those were common values in people?

The result of this conversation led to the oddest chain of events. The plan to go to a sex shop fizzled, as my “friends” said, “for your protection,we can’t feed this craving you are having”, what the fuck does that mean? Me, not being one to argue just smiles and says ok, well where to? The mall it is. Boring….however, Sir would not tolerate the bratty pouting behavior and told me to enjoy myself tonight, so I will. Boy did I. A gag shop,gift shop type of place Spencers is there. These women ran to the “adult section” of the store. Umm, ladies, is this ok? Laughing. We get to the aisle, and Fifty Shades of Grey boxes flood this shelf…whips, vibes, handcuffs, a silver tie (hysterical), and feathers..these women wet with fantasies. Me, lost in another world, thinking of the coat hanger.. how beautiful it hung from my nipples, the anal plug, the security of being owned,wishing I had that uncomfortable,humiliating device right now, the cock that I can not suck correctly, a thinner dildo *snaps back to this world* well I will show them. Cheesey “costumey” cheap corsets…and a thin dildo. As they wet themselves over a box with a tie on it, I gather my supplies and walk to them, non chalantly. They are instantly blushing and whispering as if I am not there. And, yes, ready to exit the store. I am going to pay then I will be ready. As Sir said, bemused.

The evening was silent, we bought wine and went to a girlfriends house. I spent the evening fantasizing about how to make my video, and going to the real sex shop with pride, and they well spent the day talking about how hot they were when reading Fifty Shades. *a book i have yet to read*

 Find the courage to be yourself.


                                                                                             -toy (wiggles with delight )


3 Responses to “letters”

  1. coachk February 12, 2013 at 10:25 am #

    little did your friends know the fun that they were missing out on huh? hope you enjoyed your coreset and toys……

    • hotlilmess February 12, 2013 at 10:42 am #

      *smiles. Thank you for commenting. The answer,well,i never approached the topic with them again.

  2. pajama_game February 15, 2015 at 2:55 am #

    I will never blush and run…let’s go shopping!

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